my name is jonas

Tonight, midnight God spoke to us(me and Eric) in a funny way. After few days of tiredness of the weary worldly troubles and everything that I can think of, I decided to go back to the Lord, to go back to my grass root. Why have I started in this Galilean Youth? What’s in for me? What am I here for? I stopped asking and return to the Lord for answer. I scream from my heart, yet no voice was heard. I struggle inside to keep myself a happy face yet my colleagues said I seem to be a little too quite for Jonas. I thought back, was I so talkative? I didn’t even notice I talked too much!

I just push myself to smile back and listen to their conversations during lunch. Their jokes had hardly any effect on me. I just strut along. Not knowing where went wrong, why I was depressed and down. Could it be my work? Could it be I miss my darling very much? Could it be the service I am doing for Galilean Youth? Could it be the troubles of the teens that I worried so much? Yes, it all adds up to it. I was somehow lost in between those days. My soul wasn’t in my body and I always appear to be lifeless and stale.

My face appears to be pale. No tears nor joy was in me.

What’s happening to me?

            All I can do was to go through my bible and my books again. I simply don’t know what to do anymore. The Lord promised will guide me. I tried calling my spiritual guide but to no avail. Then again after waiting for her sms to reply whether she is available for talk or not, I found out that I actually knew the answer all along. It is to pray and give tithe (10% of salary donate to church), which I had stop doing since I came back from the west.

            Eric suddenly (out of the blue) asked me for kampua (sibu favourite food). So I just say why not, since we last chatted was long long time ago. Then we started to talk of our problems and troubles that are bothering us. We talked and talked so much like we just met. Its really been a while when we talked. So we talked bout this part where we were like the other son in the prodigal son story. We have always been taught in churches by teachers or priest that we are the prodigal son and we should do what the prodigal son did! And guess what! We are NOT! We are NOT THE PRODIGAL SON! We were always the other son who was so loyal and faithful to the Father. Who gets jealous and mad when the Father put up a feast for the prodigal son. Oh man.. How true that was! For me, I never punch and bullied anyone! I never steal or didn’t pay my bills or rent! I never killed a bird or dog or cat without the feeling of guilt and sadness! I was TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE! And I was keeping to that concept. How when we talked and talked that we realized that we haven’t done things so bad as like the prodigal son! I even came back to Sarikei to help the youth! What the heck!?!?! When I can also serve in Sibu or Kuching or KL or

Penang

.

            I don’t drink or smoke or gamble or buy lottery or eat at restaurant and run off just like that. I never joined gangster or dye my hair wild. I never have sex with any girl I like or find the prostitute or anything like that. I am very loyal and faithful to my God, parent and girlfriend. Wow… how differ it is from the prodigal son. I am THE OTHER SON. How can I go and tell others the story of the PRODIGAL SON when I never lived as one? All the people I attract is just the other son who has similarities like mine. How I desire to smoke that time, but my fear and guts yet overcame me. I don’t dare to buy the cigarettes. Hahaha…such a gutless person – ME.

Then as usual I will struggled back to the thick book (bible) and flip around for a while searching for something. Then while browsing through my PC (at the same time) I saw a simple note that was forwarded to me long long time ago which I never bothered to read. It was a guide for moments of sadness and despair, it tells what God says at that moment and where about in the bible. Somehow I had the inspiration to go through it.

            Then while I was looking through the list again, the line that really caught my eyes was this:

You Say                                   God Says                                 Bible Verse

I can’t figure things out  I will direct your steps               Proverbs 3:5-6

I say, what the heck. So that’s how I came to the Proverbs that is told for young man! Ehmmm…God said don’t forget His teaching as it will bring me long and prosperous life. Never let go of loyalty and faithfulness and crave these words in my heart! (Are you reading this?) When we just talked about our desire to turn away from the goodness. God showed me this. Continue on, God say Trust in Him with all my heart and never rely on what I think I know. Remember Him in everything that I do, and He will show the right way. Never think that you are wiser than God and simply obey the Lord and refuse to do wrong. If you do, it will be like good medicine, healing your wounds and easing your pains. Honor the Lord by making him an offering from the best of all that your land produces. (!?!?! means giving tithe as I mentioned )

            So it’s always the best way when you reached a dead end and not knowing what to do anymore. You trace back to where u lost yourself. Go back to where you remember how to do it or how victorious you was that time. And with God’s grace and Holy Spirit, He will bring you to realize the victorious was when God is with you, me and everyone. When God is there, nothing to be afraid off, especially when God is by your side, ESPECIALLY that!

            I better do my part and let God guide me again. Its like going through a maze, where I can only see the whole picture in the beginning. Then as I got lost and more lost inside the maze, especially when I don’t know where am I going anymore. I need to go back to the place where I remembered the most, the road that was clear to me and showed me how to do and what to do. Then pick myself up and move again in the maze. That’s how it is with me. Now that, I am where I remembered the most. Let the journey begin… again…

This entry was posted on Saturday, June 16th, 2007 at 10:53 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.