my name is jonas

13 June 2007

Today is the one of the hardest days of my life. I feel very sad that I can’t be there for my loved one when she needed me the most. As a man, how can I let it happen to me! Nothing seems can be done, situation is like hopeless to me. I am caught in between. In a dilemma…have I sacrificed enough? My mind is playing games with me. Should I just let the Galilean Youth off my hands, or sacrificing my precious little time with my love? Tell me God, what should I do? What did I do to deserve this? All was first going ok, but now seems like I am spending less time with my love one. Am I taking her for granted? Or am I being ignorant? I love her very much yet my love can’t be more than my love for my God. The people always say, God comes first, seek ye first the kingdom of God, and all shall be added unto thee… What kind of verse is this? When I tried to follow but why these things are happening to me? Doesn’t God promise that ‘ALL SHALL BE ADDED UNTO THEE’? Or am I doing the wrong things? Or I didn’t follow or seek God first?

Now it’s almost half a year already, people kept asking the same question to me. Your parents are in the other city, so is your girlfriend. Then what the heck are you doing here in Sibu? Why ? WHY ? WHY ??? God, I don’t really know how to answer cause it’s just so stupid for me! Such foolish actions that is only done by me!

You know I could have just quit this job (long time ago) and go back to the city where my love ones are waiting for me. Going through life as normal without having this ‘foolishness’ going on. Then I can work, earn, save money, buy things I always wanted to buy, get relax and travelling, spend LOTS and LOTS of time with my dearest LOVE of my LIFE. Go bowling, sports, swimming, watching movies and shopping etc and etc. So many things I can do there but why am I here?

To serve those ignorant people who think they know their world and those others need to go and greet them with greatness and abundant attentions and so much more?

Previously I don’t have any regrets doing all this, but now, it’s taking its toll on my and my love one especially. Especially her….My greatest regret now is unable to be there when she really need me. I am so stuck in helplessness that I don’t know what to do anymore. I love her very much…yet when we are away from each other, I need to find other means of things to do to keep me from missing my love way too much.

Currently people kept calling me busy man, and I don’t know what I am busy off! I don’t get paid or any extra OT for the things I do.

Then when there are no activities or nothings on, it’s just so lonely. It’s really lonely when doing the things I do. When everyone has family to go to, I don’t have anyone. I have to hang out at other peoples residence and have lunch with people I seldom meet especially parents of the youth. I never felt like home and comfortable. It is like I always need to be somewhere else but the house or place I am staying. Not that their hospitality isn’t good enough for me but I just sometimes doesn’t feel comfortable they spending or treating me, someone they barely know. Furthermore I don’t even know how to sweet talk (to say nice things at the RIGHT TIME and the RIGHT PLACE!) They are just very good to me that I don’t feel I am worthy or deserve any treatment like that, because I am not their family.

When there are times when I just sit there and think bout it, it is and going to be a very lonely journey there. Furthermore, my love one is also lonely at the place waiting for me again. That even put me in more difficult position as I worry not that I am lonely but I worry the most for my love. How is she hanging on, how is her work doing, or how is her today! SMS or email or letter sometimes just ain’t enough.

So tell me now how when God said “Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and shall be added unto thee”. I need divine intervention now. I just shrugged on day by day believing in those words given to me in Youth Retreat 2006, and also believing that our God is the God of Impossible. My spiritual advisor once said, (and it struck me straight into my soul) “Don’t you think that God is powerful enough to provide all you need?” I wanted to believe this sentence so much again and again but my human flesh is failing me. I have been trying to pray the miracle prayer, hoping for a miracle that yet to come, that yet to happen.

Last but not least for this day, I want to truly apologize to my beloved, Caroline. I am so sorry for all that had happened; I know its very tough and hard journey for you now. If I was in your position, definitely I will feel the same thing as you. Indefinitely! How you can hold on is already such a miracle for me… a man like me that you have given your heart to. I am honoured, blessed and loved. I find no place or time or how to make it up back to you again but I do know this that my love is always for you too. Always… Falling in love with you is like flying in the air…it is just so wonderful. Do you remember? Yes I remember. I will make everyday of your life feels like falling in love the first time again and again.

Believe me, we will be together closely very soon… very soon.

It was a hard Sunday, as me and Eric drove back to Sibu. Our heart was so burdened with the troubles of the youth on that day knowing so many things had occurred and is surfacing. One of our core team has financial difficulties due to the ignorance of her brother. She has to take the responsibility as she was the eldest. This has handicapped her in serving the ministry. We were out of ideas to help her. To add to that, we found out the a youth has problems of parents divorcing and reluctant to go to church, the other one decided that church is only for the ‘Holy’ ones and she cant be herself. Her house was a mess; Eric wondered where her parents are.

As the night falls, Eric suddenly asked for a simple praise and worship. I just agreed to it as I have nothing to lose. He was so burdened. I wasn’t so burdened that time as I was still optimistic in dealing with the problems. Hey, only through these problems that gives us the meaning to our services right?

But somehow Eric’s discouragement has infected into me too. So we just sang Amazing Love and Thank You For The Cross. We starting singing and tears start rolling down, we continue to press on with our hearts desire seeking God’s counsel in our midst. We pour out and pour out our hearts disappointments, anguish, helplessness, fading hope and all that we could muster, surrendering all to Him.

Then He showed both of us something.

I saw Jesus sitting up on a high hill with two kids by His side. It was dusk. The sunset was brilliant and nightfall is reaching. Jesus asked the kids to listen, listen to the breeze of sunset, yet nothing else was spoken from His mouth. One of the kids just followed the instruction and listened to the breeze; however the other one is still reluctant to follow and kept asking questions of why and how.

The night fall and the horizon became very dark. It was dark and rain started to showered upon the three. Jesus covered the kids with His cloak and sheltered the kids from thunderstorms and rain. However, there is still light from above shined upon Jesus and the kids during the thunderstorms and rain.

After it all ended, the sun begins to move out into the horizon and its light shines beamingly bright across the earth. At that moment of wonder, Jesus asked again the kids to look and pointed his finger to the sun. Just in the moment, one of the kid felt a new sense of hope and light that has showered upon him and he really enjoyed the scenery. Leaning on the rocks up on the hill he watched the break of dawn.

However, the other kid still keep on pestering Jesus asking Him loads of questions and the kid who was enjoying the scenery felt disturb and wish for the other kid to just join in and keep his thoughts to himself.

In all of this, Jesus just kept pointing at the sun that was slowly rising up into the horizon. What a marvellous view…

The message is to continue to hope even at the darkest hour because as the new day starts tomorrow, the sun will again rise up and shine its glow to the world every single new day. Even when there is little hope left for the youths in trouble as we cant even do a single thing to help, yet Jesus asked us to listen and look at the sun rise, believing that the sun will always shine back in the morning and hope is still there.

Tonight, midnight God spoke to us(me and Eric) in a funny way. After few days of tiredness of the weary worldly troubles and everything that I can think of, I decided to go back to the Lord, to go back to my grass root. Why have I started in this Galilean Youth? What’s in for me? What am I here for? I stopped asking and return to the Lord for answer. I scream from my heart, yet no voice was heard. I struggle inside to keep myself a happy face yet my colleagues said I seem to be a little too quite for Jonas. I thought back, was I so talkative? I didn’t even notice I talked too much!

I just push myself to smile back and listen to their conversations during lunch. Their jokes had hardly any effect on me. I just strut along. Not knowing where went wrong, why I was depressed and down. Could it be my work? Could it be I miss my darling very much? Could it be the service I am doing for Galilean Youth? Could it be the troubles of the teens that I worried so much? Yes, it all adds up to it. I was somehow lost in between those days. My soul wasn’t in my body and I always appear to be lifeless and stale.

My face appears to be pale. No tears nor joy was in me.

What’s happening to me?

            All I can do was to go through my bible and my books again. I simply don’t know what to do anymore. The Lord promised will guide me. I tried calling my spiritual guide but to no avail. Then again after waiting for her sms to reply whether she is available for talk or not, I found out that I actually knew the answer all along. It is to pray and give tithe (10% of salary donate to church), which I had stop doing since I came back from the west.

            Eric suddenly (out of the blue) asked me for kampua (sibu favourite food). So I just say why not, since we last chatted was long long time ago. Then we started to talk of our problems and troubles that are bothering us. We talked and talked so much like we just met. Its really been a while when we talked. So we talked bout this part where we were like the other son in the prodigal son story. We have always been taught in churches by teachers or priest that we are the prodigal son and we should do what the prodigal son did! And guess what! We are NOT! We are NOT THE PRODIGAL SON! We were always the other son who was so loyal and faithful to the Father. Who gets jealous and mad when the Father put up a feast for the prodigal son. Oh man.. How true that was! For me, I never punch and bullied anyone! I never steal or didn’t pay my bills or rent! I never killed a bird or dog or cat without the feeling of guilt and sadness! I was TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE! And I was keeping to that concept. How when we talked and talked that we realized that we haven’t done things so bad as like the prodigal son! I even came back to Sarikei to help the youth! What the heck!?!?! When I can also serve in Sibu or Kuching or KL or

Penang

.

            I don’t drink or smoke or gamble or buy lottery or eat at restaurant and run off just like that. I never joined gangster or dye my hair wild. I never have sex with any girl I like or find the prostitute or anything like that. I am very loyal and faithful to my God, parent and girlfriend. Wow… how differ it is from the prodigal son. I am THE OTHER SON. How can I go and tell others the story of the PRODIGAL SON when I never lived as one? All the people I attract is just the other son who has similarities like mine. How I desire to smoke that time, but my fear and guts yet overcame me. I don’t dare to buy the cigarettes. Hahaha…such a gutless person – ME.

Then as usual I will struggled back to the thick book (bible) and flip around for a while searching for something. Then while browsing through my PC (at the same time) I saw a simple note that was forwarded to me long long time ago which I never bothered to read. It was a guide for moments of sadness and despair, it tells what God says at that moment and where about in the bible. Somehow I had the inspiration to go through it.

            Then while I was looking through the list again, the line that really caught my eyes was this:

You Say                                   God Says                                 Bible Verse

I can’t figure things out  I will direct your steps               Proverbs 3:5-6

I say, what the heck. So that’s how I came to the Proverbs that is told for young man! Ehmmm…God said don’t forget His teaching as it will bring me long and prosperous life. Never let go of loyalty and faithfulness and crave these words in my heart! (Are you reading this?) When we just talked about our desire to turn away from the goodness. God showed me this. Continue on, God say Trust in Him with all my heart and never rely on what I think I know. Remember Him in everything that I do, and He will show the right way. Never think that you are wiser than God and simply obey the Lord and refuse to do wrong. If you do, it will be like good medicine, healing your wounds and easing your pains. Honor the Lord by making him an offering from the best of all that your land produces. (!?!?! means giving tithe as I mentioned )

            So it’s always the best way when you reached a dead end and not knowing what to do anymore. You trace back to where u lost yourself. Go back to where you remember how to do it or how victorious you was that time. And with God’s grace and Holy Spirit, He will bring you to realize the victorious was when God is with you, me and everyone. When God is there, nothing to be afraid off, especially when God is by your side, ESPECIALLY that!

            I better do my part and let God guide me again. Its like going through a maze, where I can only see the whole picture in the beginning. Then as I got lost and more lost inside the maze, especially when I don’t know where am I going anymore. I need to go back to the place where I remembered the most, the road that was clear to me and showed me how to do and what to do. Then pick myself up and move again in the maze. That’s how it is with me. Now that, I am where I remembered the most. Let the journey begin… again…

Im exhausted… very tired today. actually i wrote some blogs few days ago but i forgot to bring the cable to my portable harddisk so i hav trouble uploading the blogs now. i say what the heck.. i just write for now.. im very very tired now, exhausted. Running here and there…i dont want to blame what but im tired. Havent had an eight hour rest last few nights. Hav to prepare this; prepare that; not good enough, need do more.. need do better, no…need to do my best. aaAAaaAAAhhh.. tired. so many outstandings, so few energy left, so wanted to sleep, but so needed to continue. later need to drive back, hopefully got people accompany me, cause im dread tired. so tired… i wan to doze off but cant, cause so many outstandings, so many unfinished…so many! so few hands, so few times, so few things left for me to enjoy or play… Darn it.. sacrifices are necessary for the best, DARN it DOUBLE.

aAaaAAAaaahhhh…. this is the first time i blog here.its always feels fresh and nice to post the first one.(just like every other thing else..) i was really wondering why people blog.. any reason? to open up themselves to all those known/unknown in the space. i dont blog at the first place, but as i read those blogs written by people… it does tells a lot bout people,human,youth, brother, sister, wife, husband, girlfriend, boyfriend etc…

guess i am those kind of people too. a lot to say in mind but just cant speak out.no people to tell or just too crowded that people nowadays just loves to talk about themselves…

maybe those who saw the movie ‘i am not stupid’(singapore) one, they will understand that sometimes we just dont have the space or chance to speak.

writing makes it easier. you can write without speaking or talking, you just type and type those words away… all thats in your mind or heart that has been there so long… thats why… that is why.. i blog…. for the first time.

first time.yes first time i try to write a blog, or should i call it a diary.i see people writing so many things in their blog.what is a blog? why are people so obsessed with writing things for others to see? are opinions not heard? or people just wan to share or transfer of knowledge? or too bored?

i dont know. i just want to try to write something and hey presto i got my second paragraph in one minute! this is my first time writing to the unknown, called blog. i blog…